Confrontation sucks. And yet I haven’t felt this good in about a year. I hate it when my parents are right.
Last Wednesday I talked about forgiveness, how I’m not ready to forgive a situation and persons, how forgiveness takes time. (Check out Misc. Wednesday: Forgiveness for more).
This weekend I stood up for myself and I confronted the issue and those involved. I wrote out how I was feeling earlier in the week, figuring if I’m going to control the confrontation, then I’m doing it my way by reading my feelings out loud.
When it came time to have the conversation I didn’t need those notes. I realized that the past is the past, that playing the My-Word vs. Your-Word Game is high school drama bullshit. And I’m an adult. Why drudge up those issues and volley back and forth? It causes a stalemate and more drama and hurt feelings.
Remember what I said last Wednesday about the Apostle Paul? He wrote the people of Ephesus: “Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, and be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4: 26, 31-32)
Ugh…I hate it when the Apostle Paul is right too.
I took Paul’s words and did just that. I explained that I’m moving on and the past is done. It’s still going to be weird and awkward. That forgiveness may not happen right away. But let’s move on.
So that’s what I’m doing: moving on. I can respect them, whether they want to respect me or not is up to them. Though again, if I’m not respected, I won’t respect you back. That door swings both ways. It’s not bitterness or anger either. I’m slow to respect, forgive and trust again once it’s been broken. And this was broken…badly. Though I can’t continue this way so I’m moving on. If I’m respected, you’ll get that respect as well. Everything moving forward rests upon upcoming actions. It’s a waiting game now. Though I am at peace.
Last Thursday, the clouds parted a bit and the rain sort of stopped long enough for the sun to come out. As I left church, feeling miserable, tired, anxious and depressed, I looked up and saw a rainbow. God’s symbol of hope.
Then, today after an afternoon of panicking and talking again to parties involved in this, I ran to the store. Kohl’s was piping Kelly Clarkson’s “Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You) through the speakers. Ok, so it’s love song about a breakup. However, some of it applies to my situation. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…Didn’t think I’d come back swinging… What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter…
It’s amazing how God can reach us, how the Spirit surrounds us and provides a moment of comfort, even through a song in a department store or a rainbow.
I stood up for myself. I stood up and said, “I’m done and moving on.” I said to those involved that I will not argue because I don’t (and won’t) play those games. I told myself that I am the bigger person, that I will be respected and that I will not allow others to get the best of me. I’ve become a fighter, just one who does it in a better manner than coping an attitude.
All of this doesn’t mean I have forgiven the situation and those involved. The opposite really. I’m still hurt and angry. I’m simply no longer going to let it get to me and there’s something so liberating in that feeling. And in standing up for myself.